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major issues

2004-10-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

I have major issues. This is the second time I had to make myself vomit. I don't know what happened really. I felt dizzy and just really needed real food. The minute I was alone at home, I ate three quesadillas and a slice of cheesecake. When I weighed myself -I had gone up to 208 lbs. I tried to calm down, but couldn't. I drank three bottles of water and felt myself gag on the last one...

So I went to the bathroom and threw up. I'm back at 205, miraculously.

2004-10-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

Official weigh-in today! I'm not losing weight like I used to (around 5lbs-7lbs a week) but that's okay. My goal is two lbs a week -and I met it.

Time: 9:53am
Wearing: Pajamas
Weigh-in: 205
Change from last Sunday: -3lbs

SW: 230
CW: 205
GW:135

faster!

2004-10-15T10:49:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, I started my fast. It will go on till the 23rd. I feel like months have gone by though. Yesterday was particularly hard without eating fruit... i mean usually one could have fruit as well but since I wasn't sure of the carb count i avoided it.

So I ate lettuce, nuts, and an avacado! It was incredibly filling.. but not fun. And I felt hungry around 8ish but was too lazy to go get more lettuce. Around six though, I almost totally caved -i pulled out a tortilla, and cheese and was about to make a quesadilla in the microwave... but instead i just stared at it for ten minutes... and then put the cheese and tortilla back in the fridge. is that WILLPOWER or what?!

Day two today... I better not still be at 208 on Sunday with all this work!!!!

ball of non-fun

2004-10-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

Okay -I bought a balance ball today. I'm going to return it. The main issue I have with it is that it came with a video -and I need a dvd. But other than that, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'm going to try the GAIAM brand, because I know they come with a dvd. The one I have now is the Reebok one.

Part of me just thinks I should stick with walking, yoga and tae bo. Buying new stuff is just an excuse I think. I don't know if a balance ball is the best thing for extremely overweight people.

exercise!

2004-10-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

I hate walking on the treadmil. I know it's a great exercise. I get it. But I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I want to do an exercise that's fun, doable, and totally effective! I don't know what to do. I've come at an impass.

I wanted to try a balance ball -but I don't feel like spending money on something that I won't do. That's one reason I don't want to join a gym -I won't go very often. Are balance balls effective?? I guess I'll just have to buy one and find out -won't I?

sigh

2004-10-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

I know I should just tell everyone that I'm dieting/trying to get over the overeating thing but I can't!!

It's so hard to admit it. It's as if you're some slob who can't control themselves. Blah. But even if I just said that I'm on a diet, it would be like admitting that i'm not happy with myself. And I don't want people to know that either.

I need to figure out stuff. There's got to be a way to hang out with people and not EAT! why is everything wrapped around food?

This is a second straight day without cheats =) and i've realized that ive gone a week without a binge episode, so that's wonderful.

desperatetimes call for desperate measures...

2004-10-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

This is not normally something I condone. Actually I would never condone it. But I did it anyway.

Today I saw my best friend, she came in to town and I haven't seen her for the past few months. We went to a deli. Everything was highcarb. I couldn't figure out what to get, so I ordered a sandwhich, thinking I'll take two bites and take the rest home. I took maybe five or six or maybe ten, and took half home. I felt sick. Not because I was disappointed in myself -I literally felt sick. Something was not right. I felt like throwing up.

So, I came home, and hovered over the toilet. Nothing.

My jeans were really tight and I thought, well maybe if I take them off, I'll feel better. So I changed into my pajamas. Still felt the same.

I of course, being a scale slave -got on it -and guess what? 212!!! I didn't really panic, I figured it would go down to 210 by morning. Still, I felt like throwing up. So I did. Some would say it was self-induced, but honestly -I felt like I had no choice. I felt so disgusting, I needed to expell the food.

What's funny, is that after the incident -I felt ten times better. Like a new person. I felt like I could walk again. Being a scale slave, and a naturally curious person -I got back up on it -and guess what? Back at 208. Like nothing happened.

I've decided that keeping up appearances is not worth it. Next time, I'm getting a diet coke and a side order of pickles or something. Or next time, I'll make sure we do a non-eating thing.

it's all good

2004-10-10T16:33:00.000-07:00

YES! Official weigh-in today, and the Greek food didn't have a real effect on me!
Time: 10:00am
Wearing: Pajamas
Weigh-in: 208
Change from last Sunday: -7lbs

SW: 230
CW: 208
GW:135

they pushed me off the wagon

2004-10-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

apparently, I can't stand up to peer pressure. At the Greek festival, I had carbs. Not good carbs. The bad kind. I'm afraid to look at the scale in the morning. But I have to. It is sunday after all. Damn the Greeks!
Actually no, I don't mean to damn them -I love Greek people. The festival was amazing, and tons of fun. I just wish I skipped the spanakopita (or however you spell it) and the honey dipped dough things.

Idiot

2004-10-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I overacted a little bit. I'm back to normal. So obviously there are real negatives to being a scale slave. But the most important advantage to me, is that it's an incredible motivator!
So I'll officially log a difference (if any) tomorrow. I just realized that when I started this blog, I was 212-215... so being at 210 is actually a good thing =). Yay for me.

slave for you

2004-10-09T16:30:00.000-07:00

I will be the first to admit that I'm a scale slave. I'm not ashamed to be one. I know that people will constantly say don't weigh yourself everyday b/c weight fluctuates all the time. They say I should only weigh myself once a week. Some people have even suggested only weighing myself ONCE A MONTH!
I couldn't do it. I need results. It's the only motivating thing for me. In the past, I've hid the scale -once I even threw it away. But without it, I don't see results. And therefore I don't immediately see where all my effort is going...
That being said, I'm throwing all that hidethescale logic to the wind. And I weigh myself all the time. At every bathroom break practically. Normally I don't really see a "real" result. I don't care. I don't really need drastic change.
I do however, tend to freak out when I gain weight. And I want to be losing 1-2lbs a week, consistently until July. If this doesn't really happen -that's fine, I can deal. But I can't deal with weight GAIN! And that's what I saw just now. A two pound gain. And my ketostix tell me I'm not in ketosis.
I'm praying that I just over did on the water and that's why the gain is there and that's why the ketostix are staying neutral.
We'll see in the morning. Hopefully, I will not have gone past the 210 come sunday!!!!

the breakfast of champions -sort of.

2004-10-08T16:29:00.000-07:00

Today I had breakfast! I usually don't eat breakfast because eggs, sausage, bacon, etc -all make me sick... and when you're low carbing it, it's hard to eat anything past that. So usually, I'll just eat lunch early, like around 11am or so.
But today, i was famished around 8am. Which is odd, so I just made some eggs with bacon bits in it and half a slice of cheese melted inside the folded omelette. And of course, being a Texan -I doused it in 0 carb hot sauce. It wasn't terrible.
I honestly can't wait until Sunday, when I can change my CW. I also can't wait for this month to be over! My goal is to get just under 200. Truthfully, I don't even care if I'm exactly at 200. I just don't want to be 201. I haven't been under 200 in two years now! TWO YEARS!

Feasts of Strength?

2004-10-07T16:27:00.000-07:00

I probably should have measured myself before starting, because as someone pointed out on the LCE boards - if weight isn't dropping, inches probably are.
But the weight is dropping! Eating just a salad yesterday w/ grilled chicken for dinner -no cheese, no salad dressing -no carbs (Except for lettuce) put me back into ketosis this morning, which was a nice surprise. And I also dropped another pound. But like I said, I won't record the final result till Sunday, since that's when I usually log in results in my journal. Besides, the scale has betrayed me before.
But right now, I'm feeling good about it. I mean, at this rate it's highly possible that I will be 200 by November, right? And my 40lbs by January is TOTALLY going to happen. OF course, thanksgiving is a freaking huge hurdle..... and then there's Christmas and New Years and all that mess.
*sigh*
Why is our culture so wrapped around food? Why couldn't the Thanksgiving tradition be running marathons, or doing a city-wide cleanup or a scavenger hunt? Think about how different this country would be.... okay maybe not that different. Someone eventually would have decided to make it a huge feast -like most holidays in this country. Except the summer ones -those are picnics, not feasts.

Just Kidding

2004-10-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

okay, I'm not in ketosis anymore. Maybe that almond crusted chicken had more carbs than i thought. BLAH! Well, just push harder I guess. I will not go past 210. I REFUSE TO. I will not. I will not. I will not.
At least, I hope I won't.

back on track

2004-10-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

I think most diet experts would say that skipping dinner is not a good thing to do, but I think my little tactic worked. I didn't gain any weight and I'm still in that "ketosis" thing that Atkins talks about. You should invest in those keto strips, they're really motivating. I walked on the treadmil today, and worked up a huge huge sweat. I find that i walk faster when I like the songs I'm listening to... and today the radio guy did a good job with the song selections. I tend to stop every two minutes if I'm not in the groove of things. I weighed in today at 209, but I'm still going to stay i'm 210 until next monday or sunday...

Pumpkin Eater

2004-10-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

Cheater Cheater.
Today I cheated. I had a bite of pizza and a few handfuls of chips. Not my fault. Okay, completely my fault but my excuse for it was that I was on my rag. And I was miserable. Did i feel better after the cheesy bite and the chips? No. But it was fun eating it. I won't lie.
I shall skip dinner or walk on the treadmil once more, to make up for it.

pray it works

2004-10-04T16:18:00.000-07:00

Day two! Still going strong... kind of. I'm actually incredibly sleepy, and I just want to pull some crackers out of the pantry and eat them. But I thankfully, I have lettuce washed and ready to go, so i'll at least have that.
There's no meat or dressing though, which sucks. I have lunch meat, but that's not so great with a salad.
When I actually started, I was 230 ... the other day I was 215, and that's without really sticking to it... And today -I'm 212. Exciting? Not really. My weight has always fluctuated. I'll really try to stick to it though -even though this weekend is a friend's birthday and I'm not sure how I'll fare in a restaurant.
I need to go to the store and get some meat. I've decided to just go with a low-carb thing. I mean, low cal and low fat haven't exactly produced the greatest results... and I need two lose 2lbs every single week to come close to my goal in July. So lowcarb it is. Pray it works.

the goal... again.

2004-10-03T16:14:00.000-07:00

I want to lose 40lbs by January. I need to lose 80lbs by July.

Like most people who suffer from overeating and obesity -I've tried before. I don't know exactly what is different this time, but I have to believe something is... right? If July comes up and I'm still the same size, I'll be so upset.
It's not that I'm particularly unhappy with myself, but I hate the comments I get from other people. I hate the way people stare, people wonder why I can't lose weight, friends wishing I could dress the same way they do...

I don't know what I need to do. The lowcarb thing is so hard, isn't it? I've never been a "meat-eater". I don't really care for the taste of any meat besides chicken. And the low calorie thing and the low fat thing haven't really worked for me. So, I'm not exactly sure what to do.

Hopefully I'll have it figured out soon. I need to start ASAP! Okay, so technically I've already started, but I need to start being "serious" about it. I have a deadline to meet.

SW: 230
CW: 215
GW: 135